The Hands that made the Weapon

Magnificent strong an essence of armor,
his once loving hands now strive to harm her.

The house closes in getting smaller & smaller. It begins in an instant, his hands will alarm her.

As if it's a fitting desire for him,
he exudes entitlement at any given whim.

His hands are raised by his choice of course.
His pattern is clear as she now hears that voice.

What is the rhyme, what is the reason?
Is it reckless abandon sedition or treason?

Can she think through the panic?
Can she fight through fear?
His endeavor to harm her
is so very near.

He's quick and he's sure her neck's his allure as his goal is set into motion.

She tries to hang on as she can now see this danger that he calls devotion.

As no air goes in and none comes out
It's madness & horror as he slings her about.

She struggles, she fights it's the fight of her life, can't scream & can't breathe does she get a reprieve from the man who says she is MY wife?

She sees the sparks they fly in her eyes then darkness ascends like a thief in the night.

As she submits to her death her only request, is for Christ to be there beside her.

For her death begins right there in her home
did anyone know he'd not leave her alone?

For at work in her desk is a serious note.
One to convey to her friends and her folk.

The plight of the broken the battered and bruised
with nothing to gain and all to loose.

God forbid you prefer your hands as your weapon use them for love it's all your discretion.

How many nights and how many fights
How many missing or injured have died?

How many people with choice & aggression
Desire their hands be used for their weapon?

Of three of your friends it could be one or be two
As numbers compare it could even be you.

© COPYRIGHT 2010, Judy Bruton

Currently. My therapy.

What do you do when you lose a part of yourself ? Where do you search for it, how do you even find out which part is missing?

I remember asking myself these, among other soul-searching, gut-wrenching, spirit-trembling, heartbreaking questions. They were laced with hard-to-face-truths; in that, I had to face the hard truth and recognize things about myself...often things I did not like. I searched high and low for every answer to the questions. Am I a fuck up? Where did I go wrong? Where did the person I was disappear to? Come to think of it, I don't remember what I looked like when I was in my phase of asking myself these things; I barely looked in mirrors, because I was ashamed at who I had become, scared of facing myself. Negativity had surrounded me and I absorbed it. I had stopped living, and my world had become a whirlwind of these crippling questions.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Eventually, I realized I was asking myself the wrong questions, searching for all the wrong answers. The question was not, "Where did I go wrong", but "Where do I want to go?" It wasn't, "Where did the person I was disappear to?" but, "Goodbye to her and hello, who are you now?" We sometimes lose ourselves on the journey to finding ourselves. Those transformations are what make life beautiful and worth living. The ends justify the means. It's like a slap-your-forehead moment-- like DUH, this is what all that bullshit was for? To teach me a lesson? To help me realize that this life is a journey and change is bound to happen? I'm bound to rid myself of my old, ignorant ways to become a better person?! Well, yeah, duh.

You need to die a little before you can start living again. People attribute death with sadness, decay, rot, dissolution, mortality. We often forget that death begets life, rebirth, rejuvenation, growth, vitality. The county always brings these guys in to burn the brush in the fields down the street from my home. When I was younger, I recall asking my mother why they were burning the fields. "To kill the old brush." Well, why, I wanted to know. "Because healthier, new, lusher, greener grass will grow where the old brush was." And it always did. Similar to the changes our characters, our souls make in a lifetime. Like a trail of fire and ash behind me, I became a phoenix, born of the ashes of the former me.

Don't be afraid of being lost, if you're there now. Ask yourself the right questions. Let the ashes burn off of the old you, and know that a rebirth is coming.

A weekend of HEALING

   Matriarch:

1. A woman who is the head of a family or tribe. 
2. An older woman who is powerful within a family or organization.

This beautiful woman is my Grandmother. 

Her smile was big, her appetite was bigger but her spirit was the biggest.

My LaMutua was the Matriarch in our family. She was the glue which held us together, and the foundation to build the Stone name upon. Its important to keep our bonds strong and keep family traditions and rituals alive, Besides family traditions and rituals are what we remember in life... right? 

  Once LaMutua passed away in 2007 our foundation instantly became unsteady and our family has slowly become unglued. This reunion was especially meaningful because, for the past decade, our family has been falling apart & feuding. This family needed to come together to communitcate, forgive, laugh, love and heal. Our matriarch is no longer here to "sho you" how to accomplish these task anymore, but she did prepare us with the correct tools, we just have to work hard and together at it! Lets make it a soild STONE foundation LaMutua would be proud of!! ( && one that can hold us all )

Despite what others thought, we had to believe it is possible to have a family reunion that is loving, healing, and nurturing – without unnecessary stress

On the weekend of June 20 to June 23, 2013 I attended a wonderful family reunion. 
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     Tuesday June 18, 2013 
Mom and I needed to waste a bit of time before leaving for the airport to pick up Shane and his family. We enjoyed a nice mexican dinner at El Junieta in Centerville while talking about the upcoming days and past reunions. I got a little emotional hearing her feelings from past situations, but we both were very hopeful that this family experience will be different for everyone.

dinner with MoM <3

     The last time I saw Shaney he was a young California boy, making "Jackass" home videos with his buddies! I spotted him in the airport, and was completely taken back, he walked towards me not only as a grown man, but a returned missionary, husband and now a DADDY! Walking along side him was his gorgeous wife Michelle, holding one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen, their son Meki. I was thrilled to finally meet Michelle, Baby Meki and to see Shane again. 
      

   Bev picked up Auntie Shirls, Scar (BreeBree's babygirl) & Auntie Marlene from the airport. Therisa gets in Thursday from Utah, and Uncle Davids family is flying into Tennessee and meeting us at the resort. So thankful for everyone who traveled long distances to be at this family reunion.  Years ago, getting the whole family together was easy, when all the siblings (1st.generation) lived near one another. There were more opportunities to share in one another’s joys and sorrows. The siblings were able to watch their nieces and nephews growing up right before their eyes. If disagreements arose, they had time to get themselves worked out before a family picnic in the park took place or just took it to the basement and battled for the mic in a karokee session ;) Unfourtantly today, the family is spread out all over the country. Holidays/weddings or funerals are maybe the only times for face-to-face discussions, the airing of differences, and the acknowledgment of milestones passed during the year. Hopefully we can all make the next Family Reunion a priority. Not for the siblings gerneration.. or even ours, the cousins (2nd generation) But we need to do it for the 3rd gerneration.. the new babies.

          

  

I have witnessed the Aunties eyes light up, when they get around their brothers... I've seen tears roll down the cheek of my dad and uncles while sitting in a room with there sisters, laughing for hours! I know how EXCITED i get over my Cali,Oregon,Utah and Texas cousins! Thats why these Family Reunions are so important, we need to continue making sweet memories and give the babies the oppurtunity to start making that cousin bond, so one day they're fighting to stay awake all night at family gatherings so nothing is missed!

        Once everyone was settled in the resort rooms, the guys started up the grill and began working on dinner for everyone. I think everyone was still getting use to all the munckins running around. They were everywhere and alll over the place! From scooters to tricycles, we had to keep an eye on our toes! These kiddos showed NO MERCY! Josh attempted to hit my waterbottle off the staircase a good 20x, haha we had just watched a kid on YOUTUBE long snapping, like crazy ass stuff. We tried, but failed miserably! haha. Josh, Shane, Jared and I threw the football forever. Then we all just mingled and visited until dinner was ready. Then we of course got our "grub" on. Hey..were Stones, we DO know how to eat!!! ;)  

Staying true to myself

A Deeper Look
Little Note To Self

Dear Lex,
You aren’t the best person on earth, but I know you aren’t the worst, either. You’ve made your fair share of mistakes, but so have many others. You’ve let other people’s opinions get the best of you. You’ve let other people’s words break you down to the point at which you don’t even like yourself anymore. But guess what? You aren’t that person anymore.

Everyone has a struggle. Everyone has to deal with things in life. Yeah, your mom died when you were five, and you have never been emotionally stable since then. But everyone sooner or later loses someone close. Why couldn’t you deal with it, its death..a natrual part of life. Few years later dad got remarried, your back at having a mother and father...the world was good again.

Growing up wasn't bad, you had your spits and spats with siblings. You could have done a lot better in school, but you coasted by since sports was your focus. Lex, you we're that confident, strong & fearless young lady. The church babysitter, social butterfly, you were "that girl" who can crack anyone's frown!  People liked and respected you.


Life was perfect.


  One of the biggest lessons you've learned in this life is about respect. The word “RESPECT” means more to you then anyone will ever know. Why? Because you went from one extreme to the other. Very high to an unfortunate low. You were then bombarded with disrespect. First that boy who mentally, emotionally, and physically broke you down. He disrespected you in the worst ways possible. You didn't know how to handle it, you didn't know how to feel anymore. Channeling all these foreign emotions were impossible.  Mom and Dad tried,  they signed me up for weekly meetings to talk to people who want to help.

 Twice a week I drove to Tucker, Ga. Sat in a small room with a strange man holding a pen and paper asking uncomfortable questions. I felt as if he needed me to paint a fucking picture of details for him while he wrote....   The words he wrote on his notepad never went passed mid-line, with every question he asked my walls were stacking higher. I'd open my mouth and no words were able to escape.

 Each meeting was the same, no progress was made. I was still surrounded by the walls i built and he became frustrated and loss interest in helping me. I slowly stopped going and was convinced I could cope with it on my own. If I didn't talk about it... it would all just fade away.  Mind/Matter. 

  As soon as i was getting back in my normal routine, people at church began talking. I instantly felt judged, &no one had a clue what they were talking about.

 

From then on, teenage years went to shit.Church was the one place i was suppose to feel unconditional love. Once people begin talking, I'm labeled as a “slut”. Although I kept to myself, I was that. Despite what I say, how blue I turn in the face... everyone is going to believe what they want at the end of the day. Finally it was just too exhausting. Exhaustion turned to anger. I stopped attending Sunday school along with activity nights and avoided the people all together.  

   I started to cling to guys that made me feel unwanted, since i felt so worthless inside... i keep the craving going by clinging to every little thing these guys would say to me. I had deep insecurities, that I covered with a IDGAF attitude. 

    I began hanging out with this guy... Michael Matthews. He was a charmer, and use to girls falling over him. Michael was short and cocky, with a billy bad-ass attitude and a huge flirt. NOT MY TYPE at all.  He asked me to be his girlfriend seventeen times, I kept saying "No" because he was short, and I was not going to go completely gaga over him like all those girls at Loganville high school, he always talked about. He made me laugh, yes. His jaw line... I loved, it was so strong! The things he would say to me had me blushing...but the way he spoke to me, made me feel beautiful again. 

to be seventeen again....

    Jessica, Michael and I were all hanging out one day, and before we all parted ways..He need a ride. I followed Jess & Michael to some Bridgette girls house. He said bye to Jess, and ran over to my car; said a few cute but lame pickup lines, lol and then he reached in and kissed me for the first time,then he ran off! His kiss completely took me off guard, & all i remember thinking was "damn-it, i should have put chap-stick on!" A little after that night, I started to realize the feeling I did have for him, and July 9, 2006 he asked me out for the last time. 
    

   Michael and I had a relationship like no other. He was raised completely opposite of me. He was a very different guy, but his outlook on life was great. Despite the things he had happen to him in life, he didn't let it affect him.  At the beginning I had a hard time trusting him. Every story I heard of "Michael Matthews" was him whoring around. I eventually got better about my trust issues with him, bc i knew he loved me. We spent all our time together, and knew one another like the back of our hand. Seven years we were together. He experienced a lot of "firsts" with me. He put me through hell and back, brought out another side to me. I have yet to meet someone who i can be so comfortable with... 

    I'm going to write the next few sentences with the 100% intention of not pointing fingers or trying to bash, because I do not think he's a horrible person. We had so many great times together and i have hundreds of amazing memories, but towards the end...he had changed and i had run out of excuses for him.
      Like all relationships, we were growing apart. Michael lost his job in the summer, and I was working all the time. I would get off work and he was playing video games. Then i started to resent him, so i spent all my time in the gym. I began losing weight and getting into shape and he didn't like that. He made remarks like "are you going to get all hot and breakup with me since i don't have a car and job?" Michael has NEVER been one to be insecure, but with months of not working.. he was in a rut, and his insecurities began showing. He even told me once to, "stop being a bitch and go eat a hamburger." After that comment I found out he was talking to all these girls online, and making plans to meet up with them. But the one that changed my mind about him, was to an ex of his.. She asked how he was, and he came back with a huge lie about just getting back in town from work.. then she asked how i was doing.. he replied with "she's losing weight and being a bitch like always!"
    Me.....a bitch? does a bitch buy you a 50' big screen television? does a bitch give you a car for free? does a bitch plan her whole schedule around you, just so you don't have to worry about anything? buy a apartment, make you dinner every night? put up with you not working for 7 months? does a bitch give you money for new-ports  or anytime you needed beer cash when you went to Corey's house to party? Would a bitch side with you, back you up even if i didn't agree with you? A "bitch" is definitely what I'm not. And i was hurt to know that the guy who claimed to "love" me so much, would bad mouth me like he was doing. I did everything i could for him, I started to get back in shape to be better for him. Despite the compliments i got from everyone else... i wanted him to recognize my body changing. I remember ONE time, i was changing clothes for work and he said " wow bubs, you're getting really skinny!" but it was immediately followed by "dad said to me, with you losing weight and getting in shape now... you were going to leave me." A positive followed by a negative. I know he was not happy not working, but why be take it out on me?! Hes was so negative to the one person who has stood by his side. I finally realized, he didn't respect me.. and he didn't support me. There is NO WAY you can have L-O-V-E without respect and support. So i ended things with Michael. Still to this day, breaking up with him was probably the HARDEST thing i have ever had to do. But I was done crying over him so often and constantly questioning why I was never good enough for him. Their was no fight left in me to fight for "us". 

    I wondered if I made the right choice a lot. Being apart of the Matthews family, is what i miss the most. But I finally put myself first and putting my happiness at number one. And i have realized, other guys do find me attractive and I didn't need to settle for someone who did not know my worth. Because I like to think I am worth something.

   After Michael, I decided I needed and wanted to be single for awhile. Focus on myself, discover who i am again. Along the way.. I met Eric Thomas. A tall handsome guy with a GREAT smile. I got completely "giddy" over him. We went on a couple dates, and I could not figure out why this gorgeous guy was trying to get with me! His outlook of life, is very realistic. He keeps the "worse" in mind all the time. Which i hate, but after understanding his past.. i know why he's like that. Eric pushed our relationship very fast. I wasn't ready for it, and i told him that. We didn't work out, he has something he needs to fix and work on, before he will ever be happy with anyone. He is an amazing guy tho, dealing with his own demons daily... he has a huge heart. I have never met another person that understood me and my emotions the way he does. He would say out loud everything I was thinking in my head, and feelings i don't share. I don't know how he is able to do that , but he actually fascinates me. 

    But life isn't like that for me anymore. Life is well on its way to being perfect as of this very moment. I've dealt with life and death, I've learned, I've grown up. If no one else is proud of me, it is a damn good thing I am proud of myself. Why? Because I finally realize that in the end, you will have no one but yourself. I've got an amazing family, a few close friends, and myself. What else could I possibly need?

 I can encourage you if you're going thru something tough to hold your head high and get some sunshine, because although it sucks to go thru hard times, they are the process. Right now I'm meant to focus on my dreams. I'm meant to be alone. I'm meant to be available for other opportunities and people that come my way.

Staying true to myself,

Here I go again...

      Its obvious i have been M.I.A for awhile, over a year actually! & I have spent over two weeks trying to figure out my old email and password to this blog, today was the lucky day!!

   I have been slacking in writing in my day to day journal, so i might as well start blogging for the second time, and here i go again...

The reason for this blog is not to inform anyone of anything, or to share my life stories. it's more like my personal diary. All the feelings that I have not been able to share with those around me, not because they have no interest in what takes place in my life, but because I have difficulties sharing how I feel. When there are so many out there who have bigger problems than I do, who am I to complain about the small things? I should just be grateful for what I have and go along with my life, and this is what I have been doing. I have been keeping things, feelings and memories, locked up and have not been able to tell the people closest to me. I have always been the one that people complain & vent too, but i never wanted to burden anyone with the emotional mess going on in my head. After a while I just kept my life private and became unable to express my true feelings to anyone, including the people closest to me. I shut completely down.

my biggest fault, keeping everything bottled up inside until complete Self Destruction occurs.

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Aren't we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that
they'll tell us that we make sense to them, for once?

this week i have really been questioning where my life is headed. i think we all tend to feel a little "pointless" sometimes. i want others to live because i lived. i want to inspire. i need to motivate. i want help people believe in themselves, and feel beautiful. i have big dreams. but i kind of thought by now i would be closer to having a family, and i don't even have a boyfriend. i thought id be closer to modeling and i don't even have an portfolio. I am constantly looking for my next project in life, soul searching. I am looking for the path which was paved for me, hopefully along my journey I'll run into myself and finally discover who I am suppose to be. Until then I wander... 

Sometimes you got to do what you don't like, to get where you want to be.

      Well its been a month now since i broke up with Michael. Its def been a roller coaster. Today it became "facebook offical" that was really difficult. But it is really time for me to focus on myself for a change. The past 7 years have been amazing..& i really do love him, but we have become very dependent on one another. I want to be sure I still have my independence, and i need to just find myself again. 

                        


    I have set a lot of crazy goals for myself this year and damnit i am going to reach them! Another reason it got harder for us to stay together bc he has not supported me in anything i have been doing, and saying i want to do. I want the world. And if your not going to to go after it with me, then there is no point. I needed his support in the changes i have been making and he was clearly not, my feeling have been hurt by him more than anything...but hopefully he will get his stuff together while we are apart and he can come around and change his mind and become supportive. 

     

I can honestly say....

I can honestly say i do not remember when the last time i ate a hamburger was!! I watched a guy at work the other day chow down on a big juicy greesy spectrum burger covered in swiss cheese, mushrooms and onions...and it made my belly turn.

    I don't think i have EVER wanted something so bad, then i want to reach my goal. I am so close i can taste it!! All week at work, we have been trying out our new winter menu and i stood my ground and didnt take one bite of any of it. There was lobster dip, apple crisp pie, chocolate lava cake... and i had self control the whole time!

    Weigh in was last night. 10.62% of my body is gone:) 14.25 inches and 22.4lbs since our Biggest loser comp has started, and 78.8lbs all together !! i'm 8lbs away from my goal !!!!