Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Staying true to myself

A Deeper Look
Little Note To Self

Dear Lex,
You aren’t the best person on earth, but I know you aren’t the worst, either. You’ve made your fair share of mistakes, but so have many others. You’ve let other people’s opinions get the best of you. You’ve let other people’s words break you down to the point at which you don’t even like yourself anymore. But guess what? You aren’t that person anymore.

Growing up wasn't bad, you had your spits and spats with si
blings. You could have done a lot better in school, but you coasted by since sports was your focus. Lex, you we're that confident, strong & fearless young lady. The church babysitter, social butterfly, you were "that girl" who can crack anyone's frown!  People liked and respected you.

Life was perfect.

  One of the biggest lessons you've learned in this life is about respect. The word “RESPECT” means more to you then anyone will ever know. Why? Because you went from one extreme to the other. Very high to an unfortunate low. You were then bombarded with disrespect. First that boy who mentally, emotionally, and physically broke you down. He disrespected you in the worst ways possible. You didn't know how to handle it, you didn't know how to feel anymore. Channeling all these foreign emotions were impossible.  Mom and Dad tried,  they signed me up for weekly meetings to talk to people who want to help.

 Twice a week I drove to Tucker, Ga. Sat in a small room with a strange man holding a pen and paper asking uncomfortable questions. I felt as if he needed me to paint a fucking picture of details for him while he wrote....   The words he wrote on his notepad never went passed mid-line, with every question he asked my walls were stacking higher. I'd open my mouth and no words were able to escape.

 Each meeting was the same, no progress was made. I was still surrounded by the walls i built and he became frustrated and loss interest in helping me. I slowly stopped going and was convinced I could cope with it on my own. If I didn't talk about it... it would all just fade away.  Mind/Matter. 

  As soon as i was getting back in my normal routine, people at church began talking. I instantly felt judged, &no one had a clue what they were talking about.

From then on, teenage years went to shit.Church was the one place i was suppose to feel unconditional love. Once people begin talking, I'm labeled as a “slut”. Although I kept to myself, I was that. Despite what I say, how blue I turn in the face... everyone is going to believe what they want at the end of the day. Finally it was just too exhausting. Exhaustion turned to anger. I stopped attending Sunday school along with activity nights and avoided the people all together.  
   I started to cling to guys that made me feel unwanted, since i felt so worthless inside... i keep the craving going by clinging to every little thing these guys would say to me. I had deep insecurities, that I covered with a IDGAF attitude. 

    I began hanging out with this guy... Michael Matthews. He was a charmer, and use to girls falling over him. Michael was short and cocky, with a billy bad-ass attitude and a huge flirt. NOT MY TYPE at all.  He asked me to be his girlfriend seventeen times, I kept saying "No" because he was short, and I was not going to go completely gaga over him like all those girls at Loganville high school, he always talked about. He made me laugh, yes. His jaw line... I loved, it was so strong! The things he would say to me had me blushing...but the way he spoke to me, made me feel beautiful again. 
to be seventeen again....

    Jessica, Michael and I were all hanging out one day, and before we all parted ways..He need a ride. I followed Jess & Michael to some Bridgette girls house. He said bye to Jess, and ran over to my car; said a few cute but lame pickup lines, lol and then he reached in and kissed me for the first time,then he ran off! His kiss completely took me off guard, & all i remember thinking was "damn-it, i should have put chap-stick on!" A little after that night, I started to realize the feeling I did have for him, and July 9, 2006 he asked me out for the last time. 


   Michael and I had a relationship like no other. He was raised completely opposite of me. He was a very different guy, but his outlook on life was great. Despite the things he had happen to him in life, he didn't let it affect him.  At the beginning I had a hard time trusting him. Every story I heard of "Michael Matthews" was him whoring around. I eventually got better about my trust issues with him, bc i knew he loved me. We spent all our time together, and knew one another like the back of our hand. Seven years we were together. He experienced a lot of "firsts" with me. He put me through hell and back, brought out another side to me. I have yet to meet someone who i can be so comfortable with... 

I'm going to write the next few sentences with the 100% intention of not pointing fingers or trying to bash, because I do not think he's a horrible person. We had so many great times together and i have hundreds of amazing memories, but towards the end...he had changed and i had run out of excuses for him.
      Like all relationships, we were growing apart. Michael lost his job in the summer, and I was working all the time. I would get off work and he was playing video games. Then i started to resent him, so i spent all my time in the gym. I began losing weight and getting into shape and he didn't like that. He made remarks like "are you going to get all hot and breakup with me since i don't have a car and job?" Michael has NEVER been one to be insecure, but with months of not working.. he was in a rut, and his insecurities began showing. He even told me once to, "stop being a bitch and go eat a hamburger." After that comment I found out he was talking to all these girls online, and making plans to meet up with them. But the one that changed my mind about him, was to an ex of his.. She asked how he was, and he came back with a huge lie about just getting back in town from work.. then she asked how i was doing.. he replied with "she's losing weight and being a bitch like always!"
    Me.....a bitch? does a bitch buy you a 50' big screen television? does a bitch give you a car for free? does a bitch plan her whole schedule around you, just so you don't have to worry about anything? buy a apartment, make you dinner every night? put up with you not working for 7 months? does a bitch give you money for new-ports  or anytime you needed beer cash when you went to Corey's house to party? Would a bitch side with you, back you up even if i didn't agree with you? A "bitch" is definitely what I'm not. And i was hurt to know that the guy who claimed to "love" me so much, would bad mouth me like he was doing. I did everything i could for him, I started to get back in shape to be better for him. Despite the compliments i got from everyone else... i wanted him to recognize my body changing. I remember ONE time, i was changing clothes for work and he said " wow bubs, you're getting really skinny!" but it was immediately followed by "dad said to me, with you losing weight and getting in shape now... you were going to leave me." A positive followed by a negative. I know he was not happy not working, but why be take it out on me?! Hes was so negative to the one person who has stood by his side. I finally realized, he didn't respect me.. and he didn't support me. There is NO WAY you can have L-O-V-E without respect and support. So i ended things with Michael. Still to this day, breaking up with him was probably the HARDEST thing i have ever had to do. But I was done crying over him so often and constantly questioning why I was never good enough for him. Their was no fight left in me to fight for "us". 

    I wondered if I made the right choice a lot. Being apart of the Matthews family, is what i miss the most. But I finally put myself first and putting my happiness at number one. And i have realized, other guys do find me attractive and I didn't need to settle for someone who did not know my worth. Because I like to think I am worth something.

   After Michael, I decided I needed and wanted to be single for awhile. Focus on myself, discover who i am again. Along the way.. I met Eric Thomas. A tall handsome guy with a GREAT smile. I got completely "giddy" over him. We went on a couple dates, and I could not figure out why this gorgeous guy was trying to get with me! His outlook of life, is very realistic. He keeps the "worse" in mind all the time. Which i hate, but after understanding his past.. i know why he's like that. Eric pushed our relationship very fast. I wasn't ready for it, and i told him that. We didn't work out, he has something he needs to fix and work on, before he will ever be happy with anyone. He is an amazing guy tho, dealing with his own demons daily... he has a huge heart. I have never met another person that understood me and my emotions the way he does. He would say out loud everything I was thinking in my head, and feelings i don't share. I don't know how he is able to do that , but he actually fascinates me. 

    But life isn't like that for me anymore. Life is well on its way to being perfect as of this very moment. I've dealt with life and death, I've learned, I've grown up. If no one else is proud of me, it is a damn good thing I am proud of myself. Why? Because I finally realize that in the end, you will have no one but yourself. I've got an amazing family, a few close friends, and myself. What else could I possibly need?

 I can encourage you if you're going thru something tough to hold your head high and get some sunshine, because although it sucks to go thru hard times, they are the process. Right now I'm meant to focus on my dreams. I'm meant to be alone. I'm meant to be available for other opportunities and people that come my way.
Staying true to myself,

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Here I go again...

      Its obvious i have been M.I.A for awhile, over a year actually! & I have spent over two weeks trying to figure out my old email and password to this blog, today was the lucky day!!

   I have been slacking in writing in my day to day journal, so i might as well start blogging for the second time, and here i go again...

The reason for this blog is not to inform anyone of anything, or to share my life stories. it's more like my personal diary. All the feelings that I have not been able to share with those around me, not because they have no interest in what takes place in my life, but because I have difficulties sharing how I feel. When there are so many out there who have bigger problems than I do, who am I to complain about the small things? I should just be grateful for what I have and go along with my life, and this is what I have been doing. I have been keeping things, feelings and memories, locked up and have not been able to tell the people closest to me. I have always been the one that people complain & vent too, but i never wanted to burden anyone with the emotional mess going on in my head. After a while I just kept my life private and became unable to express my true feelings to anyone, including the people closest to me. I shut completely down.
my biggest fault, keeping everything bottled up inside until complete Self Destruction occurs.


Aren't we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that
they'll tell us that we make sense to them, for once?

this week i have really been questioning where my life is headed. i think we all tend to feel a little "pointless" sometimes. i want others to live because i lived. i want to inspire. i need to motivate. i want help people believe in themselves, and feel beautiful. i have big dreams. but i kind of thought by now i would be closer to having a family, and i don't even have a boyfriend. i thought id be closer to modeling and i don't even have an portfolio. I am constantly looking for my next project in life, soul searching. I am looking for the path which was paved for me, hopefully along my journey I'll run into myself and finally discover who I am suppose to be. Until then I wander...